[NOTE: I hadn’t really planned on writing another installment so soon, but Rivendell proved to be pure comedy gold.]
The Sword that Was Broken – Part I
Milkweed: “Hail Aragorn, son of Arathorn, known as Strider”
Aragorn: “Greetings Milkweed Pie-Runner!”
Milkweed: “Don’t start.”
Aragorn: “My friend, a momentous decision is at hand! It is time for the blade that was broken to be reforged! For the good of the Free Peoples and Middle Earth I need you to… to…”
Milkweed: “Yes? Yes?”
Aragorn: “Take this note over to the smith of Rivendell and get an estimate.”
Milkweed: “Oh. Okay. But I happened to notice your Fellowship companions Legolas and Gimli just outside this room. Why don’t you have one of them do it?”
Legolas: “Elk. So tired of elk. Every day – elk, elk, elk.”
Gimli: “Spiders. Spiders. Spiders. Spiders. Spiders.”
Aragorn: “They’re busy.”
Milkweed: “Very well then, it shall be as you desire.’
(Whistles for horse. Rides to Rivendell)
Milkweed: “Greetings, um, Hemeldir – forge master of Riven…”
Hemeldir: “OCH! STATE YER BUSINESS YE FOUL AND WRETCHED MURDER HOBO OR BE OFF WITH YE!”
Milkweed: “What? The forge master of Rivendell is a Dwarf?”
Hemeldir: “WHAT OF IT YE GOBSHITE HOBBIT?”
Milkweed: “Nothing! I just thought that Dwarves and Elves didn’t get along.”
Hemeldir: “AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, YE FLEA-INFESTED COCKSCOMB!”
Milkweed: “Right. Anyway, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, known as Strider needs Elandil, the sword that was broken, reforged and would like a price estimate, including labor and parts.”
Hemeldir: “BEGORRAH! AS I’VE BLOODY WELL TOLD THE LAST 127 MURDER HOBOS WHO HAVE ASKED I CANNAE REFORGE THE SWORD WITHOUT… A MAGUFFIN! TELL THAT LAZY BASTARD ARAGORN…”
Milkweed: “Son of Arathorn, known as Strider.”
Hemeldir “… THA HE’LL NEED TAE FIND A MAGUFFIN BEFORE I CAN REFORGE HIS STUPID SWORD, AND I HAE NO IDEA WHERE TO FIND ONE! NOW BEGONE! I HAE OTHER MURDER HOBOS TO BERATE!”
Milkweed (mounts horse. Rides back to Aragorn son or Arathorn known as Strider)
Milkweed: “I bring news from Hemeldir forge master of Rivendell!”
Aragorn: “Greetings Milkweed of the…”
Milkweed: “No.”
Aragorn: “Greetings Milkweed! What news?”
Milkweed: “Hemeldir says you can’t reforge the sword without a maguffin.”
Aragorn: “There are few who have the knowledge of such elder things. You must go at once to see L. Ron.”
Milkweed: “Don’t you mean…?”
Legolas: “Elk steak. Elk ribs. Elk burgers with elk fries on an elk bun. Elk sandwiches. Fried elk. Baked elk. Elk tartar.”
Gimli: “Spiderspiderspiderspiderspiderspiderspiders….”
Milkweed: “Never mind. AWAY!”
(Gets on horse, rides to Rivendell, goes to Last Homely House)
Bilbo: “So there we were – goblins to the left, goblins to the right, goblins in front, goblins everywhere. Gandalf was ready to give up, but I says to him, I sez…”
Milkweed: “Out of my way you old coot!”
(Goes to library)
Elrond (writing): I’m going to make you as happy as a baby psychlo on a diet of straight “Oh what is it!”
Milkweed: “Oh mighty Elrond, I…”
Elrond: “That’s ‘L. Ron!”
Milkweed: “Oh what the hell… Greetings mighty L. Ron. I have come on behalf of Aragorn son of yadda yadda. He needs to know where to find a maguffin to reforge his sword.”
Elrond: “Aragorn has far too many thetans. He needs to be cleared. Let me share with you the good news of Scientology and how it cleared a man named Estel.”
Milkweed: “Oh boy.”
Elrond: “We were in Tinnudir, near the ferry…”
Milkweed: “Uh huh.”
Elrond: “The ferry to Tul Ruinen cost one copper piece…”
Milkweed: “Yeah, yeah.”
Elrond: “I had a piece of Huorn heartwood tied to my belt – it was the fashion in those days….”
Milkweed: “We know, grandpa.”
(End of Part I)
ED WRITES STUFF (and nonsense) 